I recently logged into my website to post an article, and I was met with familiar notifications. Three plug-in updates, one theme to update, and a new version of WordPress to install. I’m pretty certain there’s a new update to run for every time I change my clothes!
Updates are a good thing. Technology is ever changing and spammers are constantly looking for new ways to hack our profiles, steal our info, plant viruses and wreak havoc. Running updates regularly is a good practice toward keeping my site safe and running smoothly.
Forgiveness works the same way. It’s an ongoing process that requires routine checks and upgrades to prevent setbacks and emotional and mental viruses.
Why Forgive?
When the word forgiveness comes up, a person or event in your past probably comes to mind. We’ve all been hurt or wronged in some way, shape, or form. Unfortunately, these hurts can negatively impact our emotional, spiritual, mental, and even physical health long after they occur if we do not release them through forgiveness. Forgiveness will never change the past, but it will always change the future!
Forgiveness is not merely a suggestion for Christians, but it’s commanded. There are numerous Bible verses about forgiveness (seriously, just do a google search), but the one that always comes to mind is Colossians 3:13 where Paul writes, “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
But how can I forgive this awful thing he/she did to me? Keep reading for ways to navigate those waters, but let me remind you here that you CAN do all things (even forgive the unforgivable) through Christ.
What Forgiveness Really Is
Before we decide we’re going to begin the journey toward forgiveness, it’s important to understand what forgiveness really means.
Forgiveness IS:
- An internal, healing process.
- A release from intense emotions attached to your past like resentment, hatred, and self-pity.
- A release from the need to hurt those who hurt you and a recognition that hurting others will not heal you.
- Rediscovering your capacity to understand and accept other people and their weaknesses.
- Letting go and moving on.
7 Steps Toward Forgiving
#1. Accept where you are right now.
Your past (and even your pain) have brought you to where you are right now. The reality is that hurts have changed things and you will have to deal with whatever circumstance has come your way. The best thing you can do is accept the current reality, and the sooner the better. As Bryon Katie says: “If you argue with reality you will lose, but only 100% of the time.”
#2. Pay attention to your “story.”
It is normal to create a story about our experiences (it’s what we all do), even though we usually are not aware of it. We tend to think our story is “just the way things are.” Start noticing that you have created a story about your wrong and the wrongdoer. If you are unclear about this, then write down your situation, including your feelings towards your wrongdoer, as clearly and completely as you can. Describe the situation as you would to a close friend. When you are finished, step back from what you have written. Start noticing, without judgment, that this is the story you have created about your hurt and about your wrongdoer. Part of forgiveness is rewriting the story.
#3. Change the Channel.
Have you cast yourself in the role of victim? Do you blame your wrongdoer for how you feel? A key to forgiving him/her is to change the story so you no longer focus on blaming others and seeing yourself as a victim. If your response is “I AM a victim” then that’s all the more reason. Identifying yourself as a victim will ultimately cost you your ability to fully and freely move forward in your life. Instead of seeing yourself as a victim, see yourself as someone determined to learn and grow from life’s challenges. When you catch yourself replaying the old story, “change the channel.”
#4. Give yourself permission to feel everything.
Allow yourself to feel all of your feelings, knowing they are all valid and important. Emotions such as anger, fear and sadness have their time and place, as does grief. Often, we avoid feeling our grief because, let’s face it, it’s painful. Yet, in its purest form, without any story attached to it, grief can be exquisitely beautiful. It attests to the depth of the human heart. So give yourself permission to feel all of it, and appreciate the important healing role that emotions can play.
#5. Be selective about who you turn to for support and advice.
Good support is invaluable after you’ve incurred a hurt and in doing forgiveness work. Yet, I often hear the terrible advice given by well-meaning friends and family members. Some of it reflects sheer ignorance or is the remnant of that person’s own bad experience. So be selective about your circle of support. Ask yourself these questions:
- Does this person understand the value of forgiveness and support you in forgiving your wrongdoer? Is this someone who will help you let go of your “victim story” and create a new story?
- Is this person a good listener? Can this person listen to you without interrupting, rushing in with advice or telling you about his/her own experience?
Sometimes you need to educate loved ones on how they can best support you. It’s perfectly ok to kindly explain what you need and want!
#6. Honor the gifts of your past.
One of the best ways to forgive is to honor your past, including everything that has occurred up until now. Some hurts and wrongdoings are by people we did not know, but often it was someone we had a relationship with. If you knew your wrongdoer, think about any parts of the relationship that you enjoyed and anything you admire or did admire about your wrongdoer. You can always choose to honor what you’ve learned and how you’ve changed.
#7. Trust your own timing.
The timing of forgiveness is a very individual thing. Some people are ready sooner, and others later. If you do not feel ready to forgive, or feel any resistance to the idea of forgiveness, then the best thing is to stop and look into the resistance, honoring the message it holds for you. Trying to push past it is counter-productive. Above all, honor yourself and your timing. No matter what has occurred, it is possible to forgive! And remember, you are not doing this for your wrongdoer, you are doing it for yourself!
The Forgiveness Worksheet
I want to offer you a tangible forgiveness tracker. I use this worksheet (GET HERE) with clients. It’s a Christ centered, multi-step approach to help you understand and process through your journey of forgiveness. It helps you capture your story and how it impacts your identity. As you repeat this exercise, you’ll be able to locate areas that may be causing you the greatest trouble.
The tricky thing with forgiveness is it’s not a one and done thing. It keeps changing as you process through what it means to you.
This forgiveness worksheet starts with a “Willingness-to-be-willing” and from there you will move through various versions. The process is meant to be done multiple times, which is why you are asked to number the sheets. As you journey through your hurts, there are a host of issues you could be having. You want to number the sheets so you can see how your views on the topic change over time as you work through the process.
For example: Say a husband had an affair, there are multiple issues to get in touch with as to why it bothers you. Besides the obvious, there are things like feeling you’re not good enough to keep his interests, not feeling like you can trust him, or that you’re upset with how your kids have been affected by it his bad behavior.
This process can take weeks or even months. As you move bit by bit closer towards finding forgiveness, you should begin to let go of the pain and need to justify and begin to feel a sense of freedom. As you progress, your story, the issues, and your identity will begin to change.
This journey can be difficult and at times may be slow. You may even experience setbacks. But the more you work at it, the sooner you’ll mend your life and find lasting freedom from your pain.
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After a period of time, if you’re still struggling to forgive it may be time to seek professional help. Working with a professional can help you see possibilities that your pain has blinded you to. It can help give you new tools to heal the wounds that are holding you back. If you have a professional you’ve worked with before, it may be time to reconnect. If not, I would invite you to reach out to me (HERE).