There’s been a lot of buzz in psychological studies lately in regards to love. Psychologist Arthur Aron researched how asking and answering certain questions can actually cause people to fall in love. In fact, Aron has compiled a 36-question list, broken down into 4 groups, so you can try this out for yourself.

A quick search on Google will yield dozens of articles on this very subject. People have been busily testing the 36 questions to see if they work in finding love and have reported varying results. One couple who tried these questions broke up within a week. In contrast, two strangers meeting for the first time fell in love and developed a long-term relationship. And then two other friends who participated found their bond was intensified.

I’m reprinting the entire list of questions here, so you can try them out for yourself. You can try these questions with anyone – whether a lover, spouse, friend, co-worker, relative, or stranger. At the end is an exercise of holding eye contact for four minutes. For most people, the routine seems to bring greater intimacy and a willingness to open up and be vulnerable with one another. But, bear in mind, you never want to force anyone to do this exercise.

Vulnerability is the fuel that propels intimacy. A relationship that nurtures mutual vulnerability is the opposite of a power/control relationship. Vulnerability requires a depth of honesty, trust, and mutual respect. It implies a relationship in which each person agrees to champion and hold a safe space for the other rather than trying to find out who gets to be boss.

Now that you understand the purpose of these questions, you might want to ask your partner if they would like to participate. Keep it light, especially in the beginning. The questions get more intense as you work your way through. Make it safe for both of you to be honest.

Can These 36 Questions Lead to True Love?

Set I

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling…”
26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share … “
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something you like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

Set IV (A follow-up action rather than question.)

Look into each other’s eyes, without speaking, for four minutes.

We know using these questions and the eye contact at the end has allowed total strangers to connect in the approximately 45 minutes the exercise takes. What a miracle it would be if more people could connect despite superficial differences. It could have a huge effect on the world. Closer to home, wouldn’t it be nice if you felt more connected to your loved ones? What if there are pockets of alienation in your relationship simply because you’ve been too embarrassed or afraid to bring up a certain topic?

Why Vulnerability Is So Difficult In Our Relationships

Most people would admit to preferring someone who is “down to earth” and authentic. This type of person is attractive to us. Studies have shown we may be physiologically drawn to authentic people because they put us at ease, and similarly repelled by people who are not vulnerable because we can sense their “fakeness” and it raises your blood pressure. But being authentic and “down to earth” requires a level of vulnerability that many of us fear.

In an effort to be authentic, can we just admit that vulnerability is often hard? But why? Well, in truth, it’s seen as a weakness by many and they just aren’t willing to let down those guarded walls. If only we could all see that being vulnerable is in all actuality a strength. Couples who are vulnerable with one another don’t have a weakened or distant bond, rather their connection is more solid, deeper, and fortified. They understand one another on a deeper level and have compassion, empathy, understanding and love for one another’s innermost thoughts and feelings – even if they are different.

Studies have shown healthy relationships exist in marriages where the man and woman are willing to be afraid together – willing to be vulnerable with one another. They are the relationships where a man can share his feelings without his wife changing her opinion of him and where a woman can share her feelings without her husband trying to play “repairman” by fixing it. Wives ask their men to be vulnerable and open up about their feelings, but often when a man braves up and does so, his wife views his true feelings as a weakness and loses respect for him – and respect is a primary need for most men. This makes vulnerability difficult for men. Likewise, women want to be vulnerable with their husbands and share what’s truly in their hearts and minds, but all too often, she’s met with a husband who sees a problem and jumps into Mr. Fix It mode. What’s left is a wife who feels wounded by being a problem to fix rather than a cherished loved one to listen to.

While our spouses should be the one person we need to be most vulnerable with, it can actually be easier to be vulnerable with a stranger. This is a dangerous path as it opens the doors for an unintentional, but inevitable affair. We find it easier to be vulnerable with strangers because they haven’t hurt us like our partner has. We know our partner’s issues, but we assume the best in strangers out of our hope they will be better than who we’re with now. This is an illusion and one to be avoided at all costs. Vulnerability begins with our mates and is the relationship that should be the safest to open up in.

I encourage couples to kickstart their efforts toward vulnerability by using this list of 36 questions to reconnect with each other.

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Have you tried this exercise (36 questions and eye contact) with anyone, or are you planning to? What were your results, or what are you hoping for? Do you feel safe trying this with a spouse or another person who’s close to you? Why or why not?

In counseling, we work to build an environment that fosters vulnerability, authenticity, and transparencies. We do it because we value human lives, interaction, functionality, and happiness. If you are struggling with fear or vulnerability in your relationships, you may benefit from working with a trained counselor. Contact me and let’s get to the root of the issue.

-Joel Walton